Alone

I woke up after 3 hours. Stupid benadryl. Stupid bladder. All day no pee. But at night as I sleep it makes pee every 2-3 hours. And it hurts so much when I wake. Takes a hour to sleep again. But today is medicine day and they want pee. I’m never dirty. Wish I could just bring it in. But they check the temperature. Clean for 18 years. And they know I take it for pain now. I’m on methadone, 25+ years. I wake up drink it and in an hour have no more pain. But I read the Nazis invented it. I didn’t know that it was a torture drug. If you Dont have it you scream in 10× the pain and puke and scream. It’s hell. I would rather be in a coma. Saved some of it for this morning. It’s freezing. I drank the low dose so I can drink coffee to pee. Forgive me God. Please don’t make me suffer. Isn’t that why you died? So we wouldn’t suffer too? I’m waiting. I’m young. Only 59. You are ageless. So old. So full of wisdom. I ruined my life. This hell I am in. I have no food. No money. I’m a drain on society. I’m almost deaf and blind. Maybe they should have killed all us imperfect beings at birth. We Dont deserve to live. I want a time machine. 

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Poverty. Mine!

Shit. Got my check. Kept track of every penny spent so far. I noticed I kept track and my roommate got about 25$ food then gave me 20$ toward new microwave and now he refuses to allow me to use it yet. He says if it goes indoors it will break. I break things. Never mind everything I had broke was old, worn out, it broke on me so…… He loves telling me how stupid I am. I still hardly have enough to eat this month. And I have to wash clothes. It’s almost winter and no heat this year. Poor cats. 

Update he still won’t let me use the microwave. 2 months in box.

To Jesus

Forgive me, I am a sinner.

I was a brat, very selfish and rotten. I didn’t love my parents, the more I got, the more I wanted freedom. But to selfish to run away.                 I had an abortion.    I used diet pills to get through college. I used diet pills to succeed.   I drank to come down.    I was a virgin and had premarital sex at 22. Ruined it to have a white wedding.    Every man I had a relationship with became or was a drug addict.    I showed my daughter homosexual festival.      I let her have sex and drink before 18.    I helped her have abortion. I didn’t know who her father was at first.    Same reason I aborted the first. I am a recovered alcoholic.    I still am on pain med. Addicted sadly. I know I’ll die or suffer in a disaster. So will diabetics, but they have extra insulin, I don’t have extra medicine.     I fall in love with love.    I have been celibate 18 years. (Not a sin!!!!!) 😮. I am wrinkled and toothless from smoking cigarettes.    I do not have memory loss. (Not a sin! ).   I am a liar to my roommate, I promised to clean up the messy house and cry and give up. Need diet pills but expensive now. 😫 I pray for forgiveness and grace Lord. I don’t want to go to hell. I only have cats that love me.    I want someone normal (white) non druggie to love me.   I want to do something right before I die Lord please.    I’m not a bad person.    I say stupid illogical things.    I cry.   I feel.   I hope.   I own nothing but this phone. And Appleware. I owe bills. 2700 dollars. I live on 895 a month.   I wish I could work. I wish I had a friend here now.    I want to go to heaven.      I am open to science but not wrong being right.    I currently am having feelings for a old crush from the past I never met. How stupid is that? I actually fantasise about him being my friend for real. 

Love

I am in love with Curtis Sliwa. I always loved him in my 20’s but he was so far away. Even joined the L.A. angels which failed in 78-79….. Now I found him again, on Facebook. Funny, he has actually liked some of my comments. I dream about him. Not sex! I’ve been celibate 18 years, by choice. Hugs are ok. Anyway both of us would have never even had a chance to meet if not for the internet. But I never get what I want. He’s got a sexy costar. Why would he want me. 😢 no, I have to try. 🤔😘 update: I tried to flirt with him and he un friended me. He hates me now. He is stuck up and has few followers but I was not worth his time. 😰 see I am worthless.

Blocked

I hate it when I get blocked first. I’m smarter than that. I was actually talking to a woman on FB I knew she was evil but I kept talking. Should have blocked her! Now I can’t, bitch blocked me. Typical middle class (maybe) no nothing country Midwest fool! She got to me! I have the urge to kill. Admit it we all think I’ll kill you! But we never do. Now I wish I wasn’t so kind and could be like them and hate. One step further, if I had the ability to actually kill her and not get caught I would do it on general principal. But that’s not the civilised way. This woman has no idea what I feel. She was rude and bossy. She was the one who was”right”. As she said. Wish now I was Muslim. All I have to do is say loudly around a crowd of Muslim men, “she burned a Quran!!!!!” And then sit back and watch her die. Horribly. The ultimate revenge and it’s legal in Muslim countries!!! But I won’t trade my freedom to get back at someone I never met. It’s a waste of time. Forgive me Lord. By Jesus’ grace I’m forgiven. Not so wonderful if you are really Muslim. There is no forgive me. You will be killed. Period.

Who was RayeAnn Marie Kemp, my epitaph (since no one else will bother)

More than likely I’ll be cremated or (hopefully not but….) Donated to science. That means med students get to play with your body parts. Of course there’s always the possibility the government could use me in an illegal programme, God forbid I actually wake up with super strength and inability to die! !! In any case this is supposed to be about me. I was born a 10 month baby, the 6th of 5 previous miscarriages.          I came into the world on September 16, 1958. Since I was a late baby my parents drilled into me, the song, “Born to Late”, by the Ponytails. A #1 hit, august 58′. It was my song they said. And I believed it, and played the 45 record thousands of times over my life through my 20’s. 

  • Back to the hospital, my mom had what is now post partum depression. She also bleed for 7-8 weeks. Supposedly I was born without Any labour pains.” You just came out”, was her favourite saying.I spent a month in an incubator before coming home, my mom was to sick/frightened to visit. The 5 baby losses. But Daddy visited every day after work!! And when I came home, it was my Daddy who fed me, changed me for a month at night, my aunt Pat in the day bathed me. My mum was repulsed by my wrinkled skin, but after a month I looked like a normal heathy baby. Then my mom learned to care for me. She did fine, I remember age 3 is my first memory, but it was me and Daddy hiking while camping in Sequalia. We saw a big bear. Next I remember my mom’s hands always smelled like smoke. It was comforting. But my favourite was going to my grandparents, although grandpa died of a cerebral hemmorrhage, when I was 8. But there was always Gramma! My heart. And I broke hers, God forgive me. More on that later. (Unfinished)

Starving! Hungry! 

So tired of being hungry. Before I just didn’t eat. Totally lost my appetite. It helped. There was no pain, desire, I almost hated food. Then I had an abundance of food for a few weeks. And I ate and got my appetite back. Wish I hadn’t. Hunger hurts. I was better off not knowing what I was missing. Now I feel emotions that are wrong! Greed, unwilling to share, want, I shouldn’t have enjoyed the food.

My death

When I die what will happen to my cats? And my body? I have no money to even get cremated. I want to live to be able to repent and get my name in the book of life. Jesus forgive me for my sins. Forgive me for liking celebs, the evil false gods. Like lady gaga and even Paris Jackson. Evil. Rich cannot get in heaven. Thank you for making me poor. Giving me a chance to suffer. It is necessary. I hate it the pain Lord. Remember my name in the Book of life. Forgive me jesus.

British documentaries

I love documentaries!!! I watch as many as I can on u-tube and Netflix and Hulu. The Brits make several, and I have watched most available, I love learning new things. But I have one problem with the documentaries the Brits make.              They repeat the same info as much as ten times in one show! For instance on a show about lions, they constantly repeat “and now what will happen on the hunt?” But it takes 20 minutes to see a hunt that could have been done in 8 minutes! They purposely repeat, constantly repeatative, to extend time, I don’t know why they do it! I could have learned so much more! It’s done in almost every Brit documentary!!!! They must be slow minded people, to have to repeat simple info, which extends the time the show is on without giving any new info. Kinda like this post. I repeated on purpose, like them. It’s irritating isn’t it? 

Homosexuality born that way?

No scientific proof exists that we are born that way. I used to hang out at male gay bars and successfully got some to have relations with me. A dangerous thing in the 80’s. I fell in love with a gay male who bargained if he was HIV negative he’d consider a relationship with me. Sadly he was HIV+. Then I tried female gay bars. They musta knew I was straight. Couldn’t even get a dance!!! Went to gay A.A. meetings. Didn’t fit there either. Surprisingly I liked one girl a lot. Pretty little blonde. But then my Christian roots scared me. I didn’t want to go to hell!!! So went back to straight men. I have never had an orgasm from but one man. A one night stand. Otherwise sex? Yuck! I would make a rotten muslin because they think heaven is sex. Lots of sex. That’s sick. I’m celibate for 15 years now. Old and wrinkled and out of the game. I masturbate. Sometimes I actually pretend I’m a man and the woman is sucking my dick.(vibrator) good orgasm

 But no love. I’ve never had love and sex together. Does it even really exist? I voted trump so gays really hate me now, saved them from Muslims and they don’t know they’d be beheaded for being gay there. As a Christian I ask for forgiveness for the masturbation thoughts. But God specifically said sodomy was wrong. Never did it and won’t. It has to hurt like hell! I want to go to heaven! Jesus forgive me.