All posts by rayeann16

About rayeann16

Former Nurse, L.V.N. now disabled mother of 1, daughter, 24. Widow. Living very below the poverty level. Not optimistic anymore. I try. 😥 Love animals more than people. 😻 Ask I'll tell. :D donations needed badly. email

New year, new me!

God bless you all! I love you and I don’t worry if you hate me. If I am hated for beliefs in Jesus I am blessed!!!!! I am happier now. I refuse to be homeless. I refuse to starve. I am not guilty of pride. If I need help I ask! At KFC, I was hungry. Panhandlers usually buy drugs so I asked for a meal. Got it in less than 8 minutes. Thanks be to God.


Time capsule

I have failed…    Again. Story of my life. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. I have all the social sites, twitter, Instagram, but I have to hide my age or young people won’t like me. Actually they don’t. Their posts hardly make sense, but there I go again. I have committed several of the seven deadly sins! Envy! Vanity! Shame on me! I want to go to heaven and I write like a racist bitch. Per my daughter. She’s become a hateful liberal. Like my stepdaughter. She wrote Kill Trump and is obsessed with hating him. I’m so tired of hate. She blocked me on Facebook, my stepdaughter for comments pro NRA and guns and the fact I said we can’t control politics. And I Dont want to. From now on no more hate. Forget the past. I am almost 60. I want to be right with God. My dear daughter is on drugs. Shame for being a porn star but she won’t admit it. She hardly works. Just goes to Disneyland 3 days a week. But she’s an adult now. I offer advice only to be maliciously cussed out and she even said I was calling her a whore! What???? OK God first, this includes His Son, Jesus. I will pray, and believe in Him alone. No man can compete with Him. I love you Lord and I am sorry for my sins. I Believe!!!!!!!!

Poverty is Salvation

I now know why I am poor. I was repulsed by white men my age when in my 20’s. God was giving me a hard path. I was attracted to the unloved so called scum of the earth. I could have married a rich white man. Manipulated one and then collect alimony. I didn’t. And thought something was wrong with me. A white attractive girl rejects rich men. Paid for it too in my health and other aspects. But!!!! I am not evil!!!! I love God and Jesus, Yeshua and am poor. It’s harder for a rich man to get to heaven than a camel through the eye of the needle. Thank you Father. No men, celibate 18 years! I love you and forgive me my sins!!!!!

More death

My next door neighbour who was 49, living still with his parents, just dropped dead from a massive stroke, brain bleed. It was the best way to die, no pain, one minute he’s eating McDonald’s and talking then boom! He falls dead. I saw him earlier at the ice cream truck. He had gained quite a bit of weight, lying around after he got home from prison after beating his girlfriend.  He always fought with his parents, the house is silent now. The mass was yesterday at the same church I grew up and was tortured in. I was fine… Sorta. The missing statues hurt and all the gold is gone!!!! Only the painting of St.Philip Neri remains. The mass was in Spanish but I easily followed. My roommate, the evangelists went. I went to communion. He freaked when we got home. Called me names, said I was still catholic and going to hell. He said it was in me. I cried when they played one of my old favourite songs. It was a shock. And yes it’s a catholic song from 70’s. My time in high school. And I was shocked they allowed a mass because he was cremated. I was baptised and received communion and confirmation. Never married in the eyes of the church. The church has been Hispanic converted. No more English masses. It’s similar to Latin but not the same. Here in Lynwood, Calif. I don’t remember it being so tiny!!!!! It was a reminder when us kids all had to attend a funeral as part of class. It was awful! I have a hate/love relationship with that place.

Santa Claus is not real

I can tell you the exact moment I knew. I held on to my belif in Santa until I was 16! I refused to believe I had been lied to. I never met any poor kids so I believed that he was there for us all. Like a god he could stop time. I always got what I asked for! My mum even reinforced my belief at age 12, I was being made fun of as usual but at Christmas I held my belief! But at 16, I had done research at the library…. Was having doubts…. Now I was in shock. I believed in a lie most of my life. Was Jesus real? That would be my next question for the remainder of my life. I want to keep believing. The internet says he’s real and not real. It’s opinion. Santa as father Christmas was real. But he was a bishop. Just a man. He wore green. Coca cola made the red suit possible. It still hurts. My proof was “yes, Virginia, there is a santa Claus! The newspaper “The Sun”, first example of fake news. My heart broke then when I found out the truth. It’s still sore.


We are all of God. God was alone. We are one. I am you and you are me. We are the same person. Just split for a time. We are supposed to find love and comfort in these other aspects of our self but in truth it’s all me, all you. Alone since forever. I tried to make others to make a world. But the evil always prevails. I am not evil. I won’t subscribe to that even after billions of years of watching my creations kill and maim. I am still alone after all. #God #selfrealisation #alone #create #life 

No salvation Army help 

They sold out. Before, 2-3 years ago, my shower broke. The salvation army let you shower for 2dollars, so no problem. Now my shower is broke, and I called and they don’t help Americans in Compton anymore take showers. Instead they rent the gym and shower to the overcrowded school because of illegals, I can’t shower. Mexicans get more than us, again. Nothing has changed. 

Depression or anxiety

I don’t know if I am depressed or anxiety. The tranquilizers work and I refuse to take an antidepressant anyway. But I hate living like this.I talk to people and no connection. They are suddenly so boring and stupid. I want to talk to someone smart. I don’t want to dumb down myself. I think I really am dying. I haven’t eaten. Why is it taking so long? I am worthless. I can’t pay my taxes and I will be homeless if I don’t die and no one reads my blog so I will be alone in the streets or dead soon. So hungry. So cold. No heat this year.I have lied to all my social media friends I am going to be homeless and my cats too. I live in a hovel that’s falling apart. No food not even a cookie. I can’t keep stock food even if I could afford real food because the moths would eat it up. In one month my maltomeal was full of worms. I just want to live like a real white person once before I die.

Celebs are demons

Every celeb I’ve managed to make friends with, ends up un following me or blocking the. Back in 2013 I had celeb fever. I got my feelings hurt, over and over. But finally in 2016 a friend from England who is a gardener, and a better person than any celeb, gave me advice. They are people. However fame changes everyone. When you become famous you forget about everything but yourself. It may feel good to be the Center of attention but then why do so many turn to drugs and just give up? It’s a brutal world with it’s own set of rules. A club that us regular folk are not privy to. We have each other, he pointed out to me. I am also friends with his lovely wife, and they are the happiest couple I’ve met on social media. I vow to never be follower of celeb just because of who they are. I joined a dating site. I am actually getting men to respond, it’s local so many Hispanics and blacks. But there actually are men who are looking for a woman my age to spoil, lots of money. I am tempted. But only if I can’t raise the money to pay my bills. He’s cute but personality counts and hey! Maybe he’s lying. Remember if it looks to good to be true it probably is.

Black and white

I was a liberal. Was. I grew up in Compton and all my friends were black. I felt I was black too. They accepted me. And also introduced me to drugs and crime. It was my choice. I felt guilty for being white. I had to be with a black man which I drew the line there. Til I saw the kids. Then I decided I would have a biracial kid. They were perfect! Tan skin, only half of them had bad hair. Sadly my daughter got the bad hair but perfect skin. The father? You know what they say. The most confusing day in black history is fathers day. It’s true. I wish now I had white friends. Real life friends not social media friends. I have no friends now. All my black friends moved when the Mexicans came. I want a real white friend before I die. Someone intelligent. I found one of my old school friends. She’s black of course and smart!!! Why didn’t I know her as an adult???? I was taught by my adult black friends, take what you want, get welfare, cheat. This girl ignores me. She’s to good for me now. Her sister must be a genius too. She won’t be my friend at all on FB. Why didn’t I have rich black friends? My last black neighbour I hate talking to her! She is illiterate and speaks geechee. Drives me nuts she’s so stupid. Oh she hustles. Gets free everything!! Makes sure she gets one grandchild to raise to keep the checks coming! God I hate this lifestyle. It’s so unfair. I want to start over. Not sin. Only hang with intelligent people. But no. I am ruined. I deserve death. I would kill myself but I will go to hell for sure. Waaaaaaaa!!!!;!;