Monthly Archives: October 2017

Depression or anxiety

I don’t know if I am depressed or anxiety. The tranquilizers work and I refuse to take an antidepressant anyway. But I hate living like this.I talk to people and no connection. They are suddenly so boring and stupid. I want to talk to someone smart. I don’t want to dumb down myself. I think I really am dying. I haven’t eaten. Why is it taking so long? I am worthless. I can’t pay my taxes and I will be homeless if I don’t die and no one reads my blog so I will be alone in the streets or dead soon. So hungry. So cold. No heat this year.I have lied to all my social media friends I am going to be homeless and my cats too. I live in a hovel that’s falling apart. No food not even a cookie. I can’t keep stock food even if I could afford real food because the moths would eat it up. In one month my maltomeal was full of worms. I just want to live like a real white person once before I die.

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Celebs are demons

Every celeb I’ve managed to make friends with, ends up un following me or blocking the. Back in 2013 I had celeb fever. I got my feelings hurt, over and over. But finally in 2016 a friend from England who is a gardener, and a better person than any celeb, gave me advice. They are people. However fame changes everyone. When you become famous you forget about everything but yourself. It may feel good to be the Center of attention but then why do so many turn to drugs and just give up? It’s a brutal world with it’s own set of rules. A club that us regular folk are not privy to. We have each other, he pointed out to me. I am also friends with his lovely wife, and they are the happiest couple I’ve met on social media. I vow to never be follower of celeb just because of who they are. I joined a dating site. I am actually getting men to respond, it’s local so many Hispanics and blacks. But there actually are men who are looking for a woman my age to spoil, lots of money. I am tempted. But only if I can’t raise the money to pay my bills. He’s cute but personality counts and hey! Maybe he’s lying. Remember if it looks to good to be true it probably is.

Black and white

I was a liberal. Was. I grew up in Compton and all my friends were black. I felt I was black too. They accepted me. And also introduced me to drugs and crime. It was my choice. I felt guilty for being white. I had to be with a black man which I drew the line there. Til I saw the kids. Then I decided I would have a biracial kid. They were perfect! Tan skin, only half of them had bad hair. Sadly my daughter got the bad hair but perfect skin. The father? You know what they say. The most confusing day in black history is fathers day. It’s true. I wish now I had white friends. Real life friends not social media friends. I have no friends now. All my black friends moved when the Mexicans came. I want a real white friend before I die. Someone intelligent. I found one of my old school friends. She’s black of course and smart!!! Why didn’t I know her as an adult???? I was taught by my adult black friends, take what you want, get welfare, cheat. This girl ignores me. She’s to good for me now. Her sister must be a genius too. She won’t be my friend at all on FB. Why didn’t I have rich black friends? My last black neighbour I hate talking to her! She is illiterate and speaks geechee. Drives me nuts she’s so stupid. Oh she hustles. Gets free everything!! Makes sure she gets one grandchild to raise to keep the checks coming! God I hate this lifestyle. It’s so unfair. I want to start over. Not sin. Only hang with intelligent people. But no. I am ruined. I deserve death. I would kill myself but I will go to hell for sure. Waaaaaaaa!!!!;!;

Alone

I woke up after 3 hours. Stupid benadryl. Stupid bladder. All day no pee. But at night as I sleep it makes pee every 2-3 hours. And it hurts so much when I wake. Takes a hour to sleep again. But today is medicine day and they want pee. I’m never dirty. Wish I could just bring it in. But they check the temperature. Clean for 18 years. And they know I take it for pain now. I’m on methadone, 25+ years. I wake up drink it and in an hour have no more pain. But I read the Nazis invented it. I didn’t know that it was a torture drug. If you Dont have it you scream in 10× the pain and puke and scream. It’s hell. I would rather be in a coma. Saved some of it for this morning. It’s freezing. I drank the low dose so I can drink coffee to pee. Forgive me God. Please don’t make me suffer. Isn’t that why you died? So we wouldn’t suffer too? I’m waiting. I’m young. Only 59. You are ageless. So old. So full of wisdom. I ruined my life. This hell I am in. I have no food. No money. I’m a drain on society. I’m almost deaf and blind. Maybe they should have killed all us imperfect beings at birth. We Dont deserve to live. I want a time machine. 

Poverty. Mine!

Shit. Got my check. Kept track of every penny spent so far. I noticed I kept track and my roommate got about 25$ food then gave me 20$ toward new microwave and now he refuses to allow me to use it yet. He says if it goes indoors it will break. I break things. Never mind everything I had broke was old, worn out, it broke on me so…… He loves telling me how stupid I am. I still hardly have enough to eat this month. And I have to wash clothes. It’s almost winter and no heat this year. Poor cats. 

Update he still won’t let me use the microwave. 2 months in box.

To Jesus

Forgive me, I am a sinner.

I was a brat, very selfish and rotten. I didn’t love my parents, the more I got, the more I wanted freedom. But to selfish to run away.                 I had an abortion.    I used diet pills to get through college. I used diet pills to succeed.   I drank to come down.    I was a virgin and had premarital sex at 22. Ruined it to have a white wedding.    Every man I had a relationship with became or was a drug addict.    I showed my daughter homosexual festival.      I let her have sex and drink before 18.    I helped her have abortion. I didn’t know who her father was at first.    Same reason I aborted the first. I am a recovered alcoholic.    I still am on pain med. Addicted sadly. I know I’ll die or suffer in a disaster. So will diabetics, but they have extra insulin, I don’t have extra medicine.     I fall in love with love.    I have been celibate 18 years. (Not a sin!!!!!) 😮. I am wrinkled and toothless from smoking cigarettes.    I do not have memory loss. (Not a sin! ).   I am a liar to my roommate, I promised to clean up the messy house and cry and give up. Need diet pills but expensive now. 😫 I pray for forgiveness and grace Lord. I don’t want to go to hell. I only have cats that love me.    I want someone normal (white) non druggie to love me.   I want to do something right before I die Lord please.    I’m not a bad person.    I say stupid illogical things.    I cry.   I feel.   I hope.   I own nothing but this phone. And Appleware. I owe bills. 2700 dollars. I live on 895 a month.   I wish I could work. I wish I had a friend here now.    I want to go to heaven.      I am open to science but not wrong being right.    I currently am having feelings for a old crush from the past I never met. How stupid is that? I actually fantasise about him being my friend for real.