Ready to die

It’s not my time, but I’m terrified of suicide. But within 3 months I’ll be living on 500$ a month, period. If they have their way. My cats won’t starve, I will, like a Jewish person in a camp I’ll die slow, they must really hate the elderly. I now notice how little food they buy. I’m scared. I don’t want to go to a home and lose my pets. God please get me the money the computer says I can get. Or I’ll have to sell and move.


My mom hated Welfare. She hated anyone on welfare. I don’t know why. She’d hate me so much now. Of course if she lived I would have listened to her and in the morning I would still have my home and I might have caught her cancer in time, instead I went to the very people she felt ruined our beautiful suburban life and made it a ghetto. I love my daughter. I can’t imagine life not having her. I used to think white babies were so ugly. She was beautiful!!!! I loved her so much. She survived because I came home. Life in Detroit she could have died. Yes it’s bad there.

Respect the president

The hatred of our current president Donald Trump is horrible. I’m terrified that so many people hate him that they will group assassinate him. Hard core democrats with minds of 13 year olds! I don’t hate him. I hope that the secret service members kill everyone of the democrats that shout obsenities and threaten him. In fact, I will alert secret service of the hatred.


I wish I was dead this week, suffering from severe depression and loss. Lost my Pammy, have no real friends because nobody speaks English here. I’m alone. I shop in long beach, ca. but only SEE the white people. Never talk to them.

life as straight

I have always known I was different. I always denied I was gay. But I have to take a hard look at reality here. When I masturbate I think about a woman. Beautiful blonde with blue eyes. I think I used to dress and do my hair like my ideal woman. But being Christian I had to act like I hated gays and that it was wrong. As long as I have been with men I never had an orgasm but once. I was with a woman once in a threesome and the guy got mad because I was enjoying the girl more than him. It’s true I was always in the closet. Found out my 2 cousins were gay! We were told my hearing loss and my cousins sexuality was a result of my great grandfather passing congenital syphilis because no cure back then. But maybe I am really gay. I used to hang out at male gay bars and was called a fag hag. A nickname for women who like gay men. I did too because I was accepted there even got honked! Guy grabbed for my dick, I was wearing a dress and he thought I was male in drag. I never got apologized to so much! And I didn’t mind. To me I was accepted. Now at the women’s bar I never was asked to dance or talked to hardly ever. I did meet one girl and she said i was her dream girl. She was very honest, when I lied and said I was straight. I only lied to myself. I love men, preferably gay men though. It’s penis’s that make me nauseous. I think I may be gay. At 59 coming out????! Why? My friend and evangelous person hates gays. He would tell me I am hello bound!!! I found a quote in james in the bible, something that says along the line of live and let live. And our lifestyle is private. I will reread it and share it here. More later.

Kidney stone

Well I almostsucceeded in dying. The reason I was in so much pain, kidney stone the size of my thumb. I got in hospital with kidney doctors help. He said go to E.R. scream in pain. Drop my name. They will call me and I will admit you. The e.r. doctor was rude. No way would be admitted she said. But my doctor came through for me. I have a nephrostomy tube now. Relief! In a month I get the stone out. I loved the hospital. So much good food and a real wide screen TV. And i.v. morphine! It was great! The tube hurt like hell going in. But they drugged me. I’m OK.